


I'll Look After You

by hidenseeklourry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2013-07-11
Packaged: 2017-12-19 04:22:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hidenseeklourry/pseuds/hidenseeklourry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The lights seem to be going dim, but then he realizes it’s his eyes playing tricks on him. Louis just replaced the light bulbs in the bathroom last week, after all.<br/>Harry’s arms hurt. That’s to be expected, though. His toes are starting to tingle. Eyes flutter closed, and it’s difficult to open them. Is it just his brain making things up, or did he hear his boy’s voice…?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Look After You

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first one shot I've written, please let me know what I can work on! It was very depressing to write, next time I'll definitely leave out the major character death.

It’s too much  
He can’t keep it inside  
He has to

“I need you.”  
Harry leaves the simple three worded message in his boy’s voicemail. He knows why Louis isn’t picking up.  
He’s out with the girl. The girl who makes the shiny part of his boyfriend disappear.  
Yeah, Harry has never been a poet.  
He crawls over the messed up sheets and pillows until he can reach the bedside table. The drawer jolts open with a creak and hands fumble around for pen and paper.  
“Lou,” he writes.  
“I can’t do this any longer. Everything is scrambled up in my head and it’s too much, it’s always too much. My heart hurts and I’m so, so tired all the time. It’s been building up for a while now so it shouldn’t really be a surprise. I wish I could take you with me but I know you belong here, where the sun shines and makes your eyes bright and there are people who will take care of you.  
“I’m sorry I couldn’t take care of you.  
“I love you, so much. Harry.”

_if I don’t say this now, I will surely break_

He’s numb. It’s almost over now, he will finally be able to sleep.  
Harry stumbles into the bathroom and he knows what to do, has been planning this for a while now. The tap gurgles as the tub slowly fills. It’s a pretty sound. His blades are still in their hiding place behind the toilet. Harry stares blankly at the wall, not thinking anything in particular for once. He feels free.  
The ice-cold water further numbs his legs, his chest, his wrists. He slides down until his head is resting on the ledge. It’s a small bathtub, and his knees are bent above the water.  
When he can’t feel his arms any more, he raises them and inspects the week-old scars from the last time he cut, the ones that Louis tried to heal with kisses and whispered words every night. Harry’s finger traces along the raised edges.  
He lifts one of the blades and positions it, perpendicular to the old scars. He’s not just drawing blood this time; he has to cut along the blue lines rather than across them.  
It hurts less than it used to, opening himself up like this. He used to cry. He used to clench his teeth. This time it’s easy to watch the droplets of red running down his arm. It looks pretty.  
Another cut next to it, then Harry does the same to his other arm. He has to hurry. Holding both arms under the water to keep the blood from clotting, he sees the water changing colors. His boy’s eyes used to change colors. He remembers them along with his memories, the way they look dark blown against the pillows, the way they sparkle in the sun, the way they shine brilliant blue when he’s looking at Harry. 

_as I’m leaving the one I wanna take_

The lights seem to be going dim, but then he realizes it’s his eyes playing tricks on him. Louis just replaced the light bulbs in the bathroom last week, after all.  
Harry’s arms hurt. That’s to be expected, though. His toes are starting to tingle. Eyes flutter closed, and it’s difficult to open them. Is it just his brain making things up, or did he hear his boy’s voice…?

_forget the urgency, but hurry up and wait_

*  
“Harry!”  
Louis enters the apartment, exhausted after cameras and small talk and pretending, endless pretending.  
“I stopped by the store on the way home, I have a little surprise for you…”  
He sets the gallon-size tub of ice cream on the kitchen counter. It’s strawberry, Harry’s favorite since last Christmas when they found Liam’s freezer full of it.  
Louis peeks around the corner, expecting to find Harry in bed already.  
“Harry?” the bathroom door is shut, he must be taking a shower. The older boy smiles and takes off his shoes and shirt before tiptoeing over to the closed door. By the time they’re done, they’ll both be hungry enough to finish the whole tub of ice cream. Placing his hand on the doorknob, Louis frowns when he realizes the water’s not running.  
“Babe?” he opens the door, sticking his head in to see his boyfriend.

_my heart has started to separate_

 

Louis’ feet are stuck to the ground. His eyes go out of focus. Running through his head is “shit shit shit shit” while his heart is screaming _no_.  
“Harry-” his voice cracks, snapping him out of this state of shock and sending him rushing to the tub where his boy, his beautiful Harry, lies in a pool of red.

_be my baby_

“No, no… Harry, Haz, look at me-” the tears are already falling, he wipes a hand across his eyes angrily. “Don’t fucking _do_ this to me, Harry…”

_and I’ll look after you_

Louis’ mind is tearing into pieces, then out of the puzzle comes _call the police_ and he scrambles for his phone. Dialing 911, he watches his love through blurry eyes that won’t seem to clear. He feels like he’s going to throw up, he’s going to throw up, he retches and there’s the toilet. 

_there now, steady, love_

After he flushes he somehow hears a voice in his ear, she wants to know what happened. He tries to explain but all that comes out is “my Harry, my lovely boy” and it’s not working, she’s not in his ear anymore. 

_so few come and don’t go_

The phone cracks when it’s thrown to the ground. Louis turns back to the younger boy, sprawled out in the bathtub, still wearing the t-shirt and sweats that he always loved. He places his hands on Harry’s cheeks and presses their foreheads together.  
“Don’t go, don’t go,” he whispers against his lips. 

_will you, won’t you_

Louis’ vision is so distorted he barely notices when the boy’s eyes flicker open, squinting up at the ceiling.  
“ _Harry,_ ” he cries, a sob building in his chest.

_be the one I’ll always know_

The green eyes focus on him, and the corners of Harry’s mouth twitch up.  
“Lou…” 

_when I’m losing my control_

Louis stares down at Harry, Harry whose eyes are suddenly still and not moving and glossy and somehow not looking at him anymore and 

_the city spins around_

ohmygodohmygodmybabymyboymyharryisdead and how did this happen

_you’re the only one who knows_

His tears stop, because Harry stopped, and what is he without Harry?

_you slow it down_

Louis stands up, his hands dripping with his lover’s blood, and he’s the one that’s numb now. The ambulance, that isn’t here yet, it will be too late, too late for Harry

_be my baby_

too late for him

_and I’ll look after you_

He trips on the way back to the bedroom, falls onto the bed, the bed that smells like fresh laundry and summer nights and Harry

_it’s always have and never hold_

He doesn’t want to move, doesn’t want to ever move again but there’s something there, right there poking him in the cheek.  
It’s the notepad they keep in the bedside table, with Harry’s handwriting on it.

_you began to feel like home_

Louis reads, even though Harry knows he hates reading, but it was written by his boy and he needs to know

_what’s mine is yours to leave or take_

No. No, no no no no this is Louis’ fault, it’s all his fault, Harry wanted to come out but he was scared. Louis made him hide and 

_what’s mine is yours to make your own_

he would still be here if it wasn’t for Louis.  
But now, now it’s too late and Harry is leaving without him, and no he won’t allow it, Louis always gets his way when it comes to Harry.

_be my baby_

“Harry, you dumb shit, you’re not going without me.”  
There are pills, all kinds of colorful pills in the bathroom cabinet just waiting for him, pills for Harry’s depression and Louis’ insomnia and he doesn’t know which will kill him but that doesn’t matter.  
He’ll take them all.

_and_

It takes three glasses of water to down them all and Louis’ stomach feels sloshy, like when he drinks too much at the bar but Harry refuses to carry him home. 

_I’ll_

He remembers the ice cream, it’s still sitting out on the counter and he takes a scoop because why the hell not, he’s dying, isn’t he?  
And he realizes the ambulance isn’t coming, not for a while anyway, because he used a cell phone and it’s broken and they don’t know where he is.  
That’s better, this way he can go in peace with his boy and he won’t have all those needles and doctors.

_look_

It takes a while but eventually he feels his stomach contracting and no, he refuses to throw up again, he keeps it down. It starts to hurt, but that’s okay because he took sleeping pills too and his eyes are making everything dark.  
He’s in the bathroom now with his beautiful, his precious Harry.  
His curls are still bouncy and Louis chuckles because the boy never let anyone else play with them.  
The pain is moving to his belly button now and someone is stabbing him there but his eyes are closing

_after_

Louis feels his skin against Harry’s and remembers the first time they met and the first time they kissed and the first time they made love and how it felt to finally say I love you. He finds Harry’s eyes again, still vivid green even in death, and falls into a pit of greenandblue and harryandlouis

_you_


End file.
